ATypical Christmas

I haven't written much lately.  I've been busy, but that only tells part of the story.  I haven't felt reflective. Around me dramas are being played out much bigger than my own.  As my people would say, I'm called more to be in the audience than on the stage.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Dot.  Dot.  Dot.

Christmas is upon us.  My best friend was just here for a week.  Besides that, my roommate has prostate cancer, my mother is suddenly much older and more fragile, and I'm feeling detached and indifferent.  Oh, and I'm throwing a huge party this Sunday, and I have a cold.

This is when the going gets good. 

Today's favorite song is Blue Christmas as it's sung by Robi Kahakalau accompanied by a beautiful slack guitar.  Too sweet.  That's my life right now.  Too sweet.  Tout de suite.  Tud'suite.

Mood Swings
I'm enjoying the holidays, but for me emotionally, it's a bit like a roller coaster ride:  you climb some, get some height, drop suddenly and turn sharply often. 

This is not my first roller coaster.  Thank goddess for the stabilizing factor of chocolate.  In my youth, Christmas was about unmet expectations.  It's tough being a prince in a poor family.  It took thirty years, six or seven psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychics, two gurus, and six people who will not speak to me ever again for me to understand the source my pain each year:  unmet expectations.   I no longer go to that well for water.  It took me a few years to completely understand it, but I did finally get it.  It is more blessed to give than to receive.  It really is.  That's the secret of Christmas.

I'm okay this Christmas.  I love and am loved by many.  I am blessed.  Others around me face far greater crises where I find my role limited.  My job is to be strong and resolute of character, and let me tell you bob, I am nothing if I'm not resolute in my character, whatever the fuck that means. 

Maybe I'm just holding my breath.

Comments

[ellen]

I'm one who loves you, Houston. And I'll hold your hand on your roller coaster ride.

Thanks for the card; I loved it.

[riannan]

Sounds like a typical Christmas.

[Peter]

Sorry to hear about the misfortunes and dramas - you'll come through them though, you always do. Give my best to Huntley.

[wanda]

"for me to understand the source my pain each year: unmet expectations."

Houston sometimes your words will touch me so deeply I weep. Not in sadness but in solace, knowing that I am not alone. There is someone who knows, feels and understands the depths of my ache. I only wish I were close enough to snuggle up in your warm arms and feel the comfort of your compassion.
I love you.

[Brenda]

Yep, and I luvs you too Houston. Good Evening ovah there young man!

[Vickie]

I came here and found in your writing a comfort I have been searching for and had not found. I guess it was an acknowledgement that my feelings are okay for I so relate to what you said. I just want to curl up and wake up when the New Year is upon us and maybe with it will bring me a different attitude. I wonder if that is possible when Missy keeps reminding me of her place in my life? Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are a special friend Houston.