Dancing with Myself: Sinful Pleasures

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I know this awful woman in Louisiana. She's actually a cousin, albeit distant. She is the most pretentious person I know, and I know a few pretentious people. After all, I work in a pretentious environment. She takes the prize though. Let me help you dislike her. She's a politicized evangelical Christian. She's presently with her 3rd or 4th husband. He's a low-level federal bureaucrat from a middle-class background. Not a bad schmuck, just unlucky enough to have been snared by this woman. While she's smart as a whip, she is driven by a neurotic need for middle-class acceptance and acknowledgment. Her excesses of neuroses have canceled out any of the good she may have inadvertently caused.

She tried every trick she knew to get me to declare to her that I'm Gay. I didn't think it any of her business, and I told her so. She's the kind that collects details on people that she will unhesitatingly use later. While she's a god-fearing Christian now, she was the easiest fuck in high school. She also ran with a bad crowd. Her mother took up most of the slack in her early years by practically raising her children. Grandmothers do that, thank God.

Regular readers know that recently I had an exchange with a bunch of people in Louisiana who are trying to find their identity by turning my family's story into something other than what it is. They formed an association. Most of them are distant kin, even more distant than this woman of whom I speak. These people all chatter amongst themselves on one of those yahoo discussion groups. Since I was often the subject of their chatter, several other cousins who are fond of me monitor the chatroom and report to me when my name is taken in vain, or if something else fun and interesting transpires.

Today I had one such report. The woman of my story went on a rant about "others" taking Christ out of the holiday. To my surprise, one of the other regulars about whom I said I wouldn't cross the street to piss on him if he were on fire, took her to task and deflated her bullshit. He even used the term "politicized evangelical conservatives." My my, perhaps I've judged him wrongly.

Then the woman used the word "irregardless." Fair or not, of all misused words, this one has been thoroughly exposed. This is the third time I've noticed her using it. Oh dear Lord, do I feel smug. I thought about sending her an anonymous email and telling her to drop the "ir" because it makes her look like the ignorant hillbilly she is trying to put on airs, but then I thought, she is who she is. Unintentionally she says more about herself than is her intent.

I know I'll pay a price for my misguided and smug sense of superiority. Meanwhile, in the words of that great icon of culture, may I say to this awful woman who is distantly related to me "Jane, you ignorant slut."