Dancing with Myself

Keeping my Other Personalities Happy

I just did a chapter of my Why I Hate Texas book. This fucker writes itself, I tell you, it writes itself.

Who's on First?

"Who's On First" -- new version

George:   Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?

Condi:   Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George:   Great.  Lay it on me.

Condi:   Hu is the new leader of China.

George:   That's what I want to know.

Condi:   That's what I'm telling you.

George:   That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?

Condi:   Yes.

George:   I mean the fellow's name.

Condi:   Hu.

George:   The guy in China.

Condi:   Hu.

George:   The new leader of China.

Condi:   Hu.

George:   The main man in China!

Condi:   Hu is leading China.

George:   Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi:   I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George:   Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?

Condi:   That's the man's name.

George:   That's who's name?

Condi:   Yes.

George:   Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:   Yassir?  Yassir Arafat is in China?  I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi:   That's correct.

George:   Then who is in China?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:   Yassir is in China?

Condi:   No, sir.

George:   Then who is?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:   Yassir?

Condi:   No, sir.

George:  Look Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China.  Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi:   Kofi?

George:   No, thanks.

Condi:  You want Kofi?

George:   No.

Condi:   You don't want Kofi.

George:  No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.  And then get me the U.N.

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:  Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Kofi?

George:  Milk!  Will you please make the call?

Condi:  And call who?

George:  Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi:   Hu is the guy in China

George:   Will you stay out of China?!

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:   And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Kofi.

George:  All right!  With cream and two sugars. 

This Guy is Going to Burn in Hell

This ain't right.  Oh, it's funny, but it's not right.  He's going to burn in hell. 

Now you can see why I'm considered a Recovering Republican

I am: 22% Republican.

"You're probably one of those people who still thinks that getting a blowjob is not an impeachable offense."

Are You A Republican?

Thanks, Wanda. You know, if you'd have scored even two points higher, you'd have to come to the meetings with us other Recovered Republicans. As it is, you're on the brink. You might want to think about coming to the meetings voluntarily.

"Thank you for not noticing my adam's apple."

THIS is so bad. So very bad, but when it's that bad, you know it's good.

Drag 101

I know I'm going to regret writing on this subject, but...here goes.

Someone did a Google search for "How to look good in drag?" and guess who's blog came in the top ten.  One post by me, over a year ago, and I'm now one of the top ten sites for people searching for pictures of drag queens, stories about drag queens, Black drag queens (I was number four the last I checked it out), and now, tips on looking good in drag.   Once again, dear readers, I yam not a drag queen.  I just look good in a dress.

Reminds me of a story about a couple of drag queens in Houston going into Neiman Marcus to shop for dresses.  They grabbed a few and headed for the changing room when the saleslady runs over and says, "But gentlemen, those are ladies dresses."  Without missing a beat, the first queen turns to her and says, "Oh, sorry, where are the men's dresses?"

Rest easy, dear reader from Australia, help is on the way.  Just above my link, was a link to this article in the Montreal Mirror by a probably straight punk rocker.  Take it from me, he's giving you some good advice.  To his advice, I only have one thing to offer:  stay away from high heels.  They'll kill your back.  They do make your legs look good, but they're hell on the back.

Good luck with your new career.

Y'all Really Going to Hate me for this One

Have you heard about the latest craze for getting high?  If you thought glue sniffing was bad, wait until you read about this.

[This testament of bad taste is a direct result of my reading the snarkiest blog on my blogroll, SnarkyMalarkey.  She is the recipient of this blog's Alice Roosevelt Longsworth's "If you have nothing nice to say, then please sit next to me" Award.]
 

Did Ya' Hear the One About...

Three Lesbians and a Midget? "I took a look through the titles and settled on one titled 'Three Lesbians and a Midget.' Overall it was a pretty decent porn, a little shorter than I expected, but it left me tired and fulfilled."

I was looking at my referral log and someone did a Google search for "I took naked pictures of my roommate I didn't like" and my blog came up 61 out of 75,200 hits. Number 65 was a link to the above punch line.  If you have about ten minutes, go read one of the funniest stories I've read in ages about what can go wrong in the most unlikely of situations.

Having Fun with Politics

Go ahead, you know you want to play Give Bush a Brain!

Accepting Diversity

Time to 'fess up. Lately, I've been more tolerant of Moonies and Scientologists than I have been of my own cousins in Texas who are Republican identified and who think George W. Bush is an apostle sent by God himself to lead us from our present condition to salvation. I have a real hard time with that because I don't even think the fucker's a Christian. How do you deal with ignorance and remain loving? My extended family in Texas like me, they really do. I have indulged them over the past thirty years or so by giving them enough of me to like and love, yet keeping the part (my homosexuality) that made them uncomfortable out of sight, so to speak. I am no longer interested in indulging them. I want them to know just how intolerant I have become of their ignorance, their narrow-minded, homophobic, Baptist-laden shit. Why am I so angry at them?

Besides my family, I have friends in Texas to whom I have not spoken in over a year. I tell everyone who asks that I cannot talk to my friend without yelling at her, so I'd rather she think me rude for not speaking than to know me to be rude for screaming at her about how stupid I think she is. Obviously, I am taking this all much too seriously.

I'm more than willing to respect them for having a different opinion than I do, but I'm very disappointed at their low standards for leadership of their side. I don't give a rat's ass if you're liberal or conservative, but lying to people is a violation of the public trust. If they're not lying they're delusional. That does not make me feel any better.

Anyone got any advice on how to get along with idiots and bigots whom you love but whom you can't stand?